I wasted the last 10 years. It’s true. I couldn’t release any of my projects. I sabotaged myself so many times. I ran in the opposite direction of my dream when it was exploding. How could I do this? It is so difficult to forgive. I’ll never get these years back. The worst part is I knew exactly what I wanted and why I was here. I was enthusiastic and excited. How could I do this to myself, and how do I move forward? I’m afraid this is going to haunt/bother me for the rest of my life. Please advise.
Broken in Bellingham
Dear Broken in Bellingham,
You have done more than you think. You may have run in circles, but that’s how healing goes/is. If you don’t heal the original wound(s), you’ll be running from it/them for the rest of your life. You may not have anything to show for yourself externally, but you have done some great and deep inner work. I hope you can find a way to be proud of this. The rest of your life will show the benefits of this. The best part? It won’t matter to you what anyone has to say about it.
I know you’re hurting and wishing life could’ve gone differently. I’m sorry for your missed opportunities and years. I really am. But, I know the power of your vision, and it will shine a billion times brighter now, because of the healing work you’ve done. Trust this – it’s true.
What do you do with the lost years? Pick them up, and create something beautiful. Make them a part of your integrated whole, which you are now, by the way. I can’t give them back to you, but you can decide to use them. That’s always the best answer for something lost. Go right to the middle of it, and let it bring you something new. It will astound (that’s a big word for a 7 year old, but I know what it means) you. I think what’s at play here is your inability to let yourself be astounded.
Life really can be that good, but you have to believe you deserve it. This is a new path you are paving for yourself. When you really let yourself feel the magnitude (another big word, I know. I read a lot) of who you are and what your soul wants to create, along with the belief you deserve and are worthy of it, your dreams will become so fast, so full, in a way that will take your breath away (in a good way).
Get back on the horse. It wants to show you the beauty of old and new dreams come true. Hold on, or better yet, let go. Everything is still here for you. You’ve been blocking it with your doubt and grief. If I were you, I would do now what you wanted to do then – only even better now. It’s still here. Don’t give up!