Relationship Rifts

Dear Molly,

My relationship is falling apart.  It feels like I don’t even know who this person is anymore. I want things to work out, but all we do is fight, which then turns into periods of not talking.  How can I mend the rift between us?

– Broken in Botown

Dear Broken in Botown,

What did you love about this person when you first got together?  Can you still see it, or try to see it even in the midst of a fight?  Is it still there?

Sometimes our own internal struggles can make their way into our relationships.  Have you taken the time lately to de-stress?  Pent-up ‘stuff’ can make its way out in situations where it’s not necessarily appropriate.

For instance, as a simple example, maybe someone has a bad day at work.  They got into an argument with their boss, but they couldn’t fully express themselves for fear of losing their job.  So, instead of being able to fully resolve this situation in the workplace where it started, they bring it home with them.  Now, they’re taking their anger and discontent out on their partner.

See what you can do to find any other unsatisfied situations, which may be affecting your relationship, and do what you need to do to resolve them appropriately.  Maybe you just need another outlet beyond the home and workplace.  If we don’t have these outlets, we can place a lot of expectations on our job and partners – expecting them to fill our every need.  This isn’t fair.  You need to fill yourself up too.

Now, go back to what you fell in love with and reconnect to that.  You too have probably changed a lot since being together, so have a conversation about your new expanded needs.  He/She probably has some too.  If you really love each other, which it sounds like you do, this should help you come together in a new way.  And, if not, well…you gave it your best shot.

Remember the hard times can offer a lot of clarity about what you truly want by showing you exactly what you don’t want.  It’s partly how you get to the ‘other side.’

Good luck!

Love,

Molly.

Living A Lie – Be Yourself

 

Dear Molly,

 

What do you do when you realize you’ve been living someone else’s life?  It just occurred to me I’ve done all the things everyone else thinks I should be doing.  I want to stop living this way.  It doesn’t feel good.

 

Living a Lie in Lafayette

 

Dear Living a Lie in Lafayette,

 

Well, cheers to you for acknowledging how you feel – A sure sign you are not connected to your ‘true’ self is not feeling good.  You can start (or continue) to pay attention to your emotions, as they will guide you on to your authentic path.  When you are connected to who you really are – you feel alive, energized and excited for life.  Of course, this won’t be the case all the time, but you want to try to be here as much as you can.

 

So, how do you begin to do this, you’re wondering?

 

Think about things that make you feel good – imagine them – let the images of them begin to conjure feelings for you.  Start there.  Then, you can start bringing more of these things into your reality.  It’s up to you how small or large you want to go with this.

 

 

You could think of tangible things you enjoy, and you can also use the same process to create a vision for your life.

 

 

Your imagination is very powerful – Know this.

 

If you need help making it real, don’t be afraid to ask for help.  There are plenty of coaches and teachers out there looking for someone just like you who wants to mold their life.

 

Start really simply by just letting yourself enjoy each day a bit more.  That’s a great platform for change.

 

Have fun!

 

Love,

Molly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Lesson in Boundaries

Dear Molly,

I need time alone, but I’m always with people.  Between my friends, my family, my work, etc. I barely get five minutes to myself.  I don’t know how to allow myself this space when so many people need me.  What do you recommend?

Breathing Badly in Belize

Dear Breathing Badly in Belize,

I’m glad you’re wanting to take some time for yourself.  You deserve it.  Start by knowing that’s true.  It will help with any guilt you might feel as you wean yourself away from constant stimulation and allow yourself some relaxation and enjoyment.

What do you need the most?  Space to breathe? Time to read?  A hot bath?  A nap??

Decide how you’d like to spend your alone time.  It will inspire you to create the space.

Once you’ve decided how you’d like to spend the time, pick a block of time that feels reasonable for you to start (Give yourself at least 10 minutes!).  Then you can do one of two things:

Let people know that’s your time, and you can’t/won’t be interrupted (and hold true to it!)

Guard it with your life and don’t feel the need to explain at all.  If you feel pressured, just call it a ‘meeting.’  That’s as much as anyone needs to know.

Enjoy your ‘meetings!’ (wink, wink)

If anyone gives you grief, know it’s because they grew to lean and depend on you too much – maybe even took you for granted.  Their lack of acceptance of your newfound space  is their own discomfort their needs are not being fully tended to – in which case you can teach them how to create ‘meetings’ for themselves too.  Then they won’t need you so much, and you can, I don’t know….enjoy each other.  🙂

Be an example of self-care.  You’ll learn good boundaries while teaching them too.

Love,

Molly.

Round and Round and Round We Go

Dear Molly,

I just repeated an old cycle.  I was so close to breaking through, and then there it was again.  How come our biggest obstacles come up and smack us in the face right when we’re about to break new ground?  Now I’m back to square one, and I most definitely do not want to do this again. Can you please offer some insight?

Repetitively Round-Abouting in Rhode Island

Dear Repetitively Round-Abouting in Rhode Island,

Don’t ya just hate that?!

Kinda makes you want to throw in the towel sometimes.  I understand.

Well, I suppose one possibility is you didn’t fully integrate the lesson the first time through.  So, it came around again to see if you had embodied the change or not – and unfortunately it sounds like you got another chance to do that.  Or fortunately, you got another chance to do just that, so you’re stronger and wiser now.  It’s all in the perspective.  Take a minute to step back and think what about you need to shift inside, so the next time it presents itself you’ll walk right past.

Our biggest obstacles become the most intense right before a breakthrough.  It’s as if they are saying, “Are you sure you really want me to go?” because they would sure like to stick around and play.  Don’t fall for it.  Call on your inner strength, take a breath and move ahead.   Your ego likes to trick you into thinking you need it to call the shots – You don’t!  It never has your best interests at heart.  Stick with the intensity as you meet it, and lay it to rest once and for all.

Then enjoy your newfound freedom.

Love,

Molly.

Dream Job Landed

Dear Molly,

I just landed my dream job!  Now I’m freaking out.  What if it’s not what I think it’s going to be?  What if I can’t handle it?  What if it’s too much pressure?  Ahhhh!  Please help.

What-iffing in Wauwatosa

Dear What-iffing in Wauwatosa,

Way to go!  You did it!

Relax and take a breath.  Just enjoy the moment for a minute (maybe even two). 🙂

No use projecting into the future.  Practice staying present – remember the point is to enjoy yourself.

You may very well meet some obstacles, but you’re well-equipped to handle them.

Focus on the fact that you just landed your dream job.  Savor, Savor, Savor.  You can figure everything out as you go.

Everything is working out now, isn’t it?  Don’t mess it up by focusing on what might go wrong.  Sometimes our fears become our reality.  So, I’m going to ask you to cut that out!  You just landed your dream job!!

Just reminding you, because it sounds like you forgot how amazing that is.

Have fun!

Love,

Molly.

Moving On From Past Relationships

Dear Molly,

I just broke up with my boyfriend, and he immediately started seeing someone new.  I’m hurt.  I haven’t found anyone new yet.  Can you help me?

Seriously So Soon? In Saskwatch

Dear Seriously So Soon in Saskwatch,

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Your ex’s moving on right now is about him and not all you.  Try not to take it too personally.  For all you know, he may have missed you so much, he couldn’t stand being alone.

Even if that’s not the case, don’t spend your precious energy worrying about it.

You will find someone new when you are ready – just make sure you are ready.  It’s okay to take some space for a bit – reflect on what worked and what didn’t.  Take yourself out, and remind yourself you’re just fine on your own too.  Always a good reminder.

Then, get back in the game.

It’s possible to want something so much, you drive it away.  Relax as much as you can – You’ll feel better.

All in due time.  Don’t push it.  Believe you’re worthy of someone great, and you’ll be dancing again in no time.

Love,

Molly.

Exploring the Unknown

Dear Molly,

I just graduated from high school, and I’m not sure I want to go to college.  I don’t know what I want to do.  All of my friends are going to college, so I probably should go, but it doesn’t feel right right now.

Unsure in Unxter

Dear Unsure in Unxter,

Trust your intuition.  If it doesn’t “feel” right, right now, there’s probably a reason.  It’s ok if you don’t know what that reason is yet.

You don’t have to do something just because everyone else is.  You can go to school at any age.

Maybe you want to work for a year (or travel if you have the money) to figure it out.  Do some soul searching – connect to your talents and dreams.

Then, when you’re ready you can feel good about plopping down all that money for something you really feel good about.

Don’t let people tell you, “Yeah but once you get in the working world you’re stuck for life.”  You’re not.  You have control of your choices.  Give yourself a structured timeline to figure some things out and know you can always change course.  You are never stuck.

Congrats on your high school graduation.  The unknown might feel scary, so approach it with curiosity, and you’ll be just fine.  Let yourself explore – it’s the perfect time for it – you have your whole life ahead of you!

Have fun!

Love,

Molly.