“Mawege, Mawege”

Dear Molly,

My marriage is falling apart.  I’m afraid my husband and I don’t trust each other like we used to.  An old wound keeps coming up, and I’m not sure how to repair it.  I can’t do this cycle again.  Please help.

-Falling Out of Love in Frankfurt

Dear Falling Out of Love in Frankfurt,

I’m sorry to hear you and your husband are having trouble.  Without knowing the specifics, here’s what I can say:

Take a step back, and see the big picture.  How do you want this to end?

Trust is a delicate thing.  If it has been broken, you will both need to re-dedicate yourselves to the relationship – but it doesn’t just happen – it’s going to take some work.

Be patient with the process.  If you’re the one who violated trust, you’ll have to be the more patient of the two.  Let your husband heal at his own pace.  It’s not up to you to force it.  Take it day by day.  We all mature and grow at different rates.

If your husband is the one who violated trust, give yourself the time and space you need to come back and confront the situation from a place of moving forward.

If you try to move too fast, you’ll miss important steps to your recovery.

Take the hard times with the good times and know this can make your relationship stronger if you both want it to work.  Make sure you’re both on the same page for the desired end result – then commit to it.

Let yourself feel what you feel, and create that space for your husband to do the same.  Forgiveness can be a process.  Learn from your mistakes and commit to new healthy behaviors and communication – not only based on trust but self-respect, as well.

I hope this helps.